I’ve lost my motivation. More specifically, I’ve lost my motivation to exercise. Now that I am almost fifty, I feel that I am becoming who I was supposed to have been all along. David Bowie said something along those lines and I am decidedly more me. Belinda says it is more about the unbecoming of who you never really were and I also feel this is true. We become so many things for so many people, but it takes time and work to discover and discard the false selves. That’s just great, but this becoming and unbecoming means that I am now almost fifty, fierce and flabby.
To be fair, exercise has always been difficult for me. My athleticism can be described as exceptionally mediocre and combined with my aversion to moving fast (read laziness), kept me demotivated. My saving grace was my social nature. I loved team sports. I am an only child with not so social parents. Hockey was a way to socialise and the unintentional benefit was getting fit. I played hockey at school, but not for the top team. I didn’t care. I didn’t feel motivated to try harder.
For a couple of years after school I didn’t do any exercise at all. Just before I got married a wonderful friend, Tracey, asked me to go with her to aerobics. I loved aerobics – it was the early 90’s after all. Mostly I loved to go because Tracey and I went together. For the first time since puberty I was in really good shape.
Then we moved away from my motivation (Tracey) and I regressed into energy saving mode. I would have flare ups of motivation. I would power walk with friends, play squash a few times with a friend, try all kinds of weird and wonderful things with a friend. I was really motivated to go to bootcamp with my daughter for a couple of years. That was wonderful. I enjoyed it so much. Then my daughter moved away and she took my motivation with her.
You do see the pattern, don’t you? I am unable to keep myself motivated without an accountability buddy. Something in me is keeping me from sticking to it. I did do yoga at home for a few months using videos I found on YouTube. That didn’t last either. The easy answer is that I should find someone to exercise with me. I don’t want the easy answer. I want to find out why I can’t find my own motivation. What is holding me back?
Even as I am writing this, I can feel resistance building up inside me. Why? I don’t know yet, but I will figure this out. Breaking resistance with persistence. Ha, I created a slogan.